By Funmi Akingbade
Sex is such a popular subject that many people will not believe that there are many adults and couples who know little or nothing about the subject. But counselors know this and that is why they treat people who approach them with their sexual problems with a great deal of understanding and dignity.
Recently, a young and pretty under-30 microbiologist, who runs a successful business in the eastern part of the country walked into my Ikeja, Lagos office with her fiancé. They were about getting married, but they knew little or nothing about the subject and wanted to know what to do to have a memorable honeymoon.
Before anyone laughs at the quest of the couple, I make bold to say that ignorance about sexual issues are not limited to any group of people or age. In fact, those who believe they know, I have come to realize, are the ones who know little or nothing. This is not surprising. The subject of sex is treated as a taboo, and is seldom discussed even among couples; people hardly go for counseling; and very few people tap the rich knowledge that are in scientific and experiential books on sex. Rather, they resort to the make-belief fantasies promoted by pornographic films and then become frustrated when they are unable to reenact some of these stage-managed sexual acts or the pleasure they always seem to promise. The result is that the little that people know is often made up of half truths, untruths and myths. And sadly too, this mixture is often passed down generations.
Going back to the couple, at first both of them were a little bit shy and were not forthcoming with their questions. But when they finally unwound; they were smiling by the time they left my office.
The question of this couple is a common one among ‘about to be wedded’ and newly wedded couples. I personally do encourage engaged partners to take time to research about sex and sexuality a few months to their wedding, so as to be well equipped for the expected and unexpected. Honeymoon, as we all know, is a celebration of sexuality. The major activities during the time of honeymoon are sex, sex, and sex and couples should prepare for it as they prepare for their weddings. It is all about laying a good foundation.
So, how should a young and newly married couple go about lovemaking on their wedding day or on their honeymoon? Well, this is a subject that requires a great deal of explicit information to be imparted well. However, since this is a general interest newspaper and in order to protect young readers who read this paper, we shall be very discreet.
First, the couple would have to be calm and not take themselves too seriously. For couples, who have never made love especially (by the way, this couple had never), they should guard against trying too hard to make a first impression.
In Songs of Solomon Chapter Four, King Solomon records a wedding honeymoon in beautiful poetic prose. The man in that bible passage praised his wife several times before he began to touch her. This is a passage that a new husband groom can learn from: say something sweet and romantic to your spouse before doing anything, this will make her relax. If there is anything that a man should control during lovemaking, it is the tendency of men to rush. Don’t rush! After all, you have her for a lifetime.
The same goes to the bride - do not be a saintly prey while your man looks like a merciless devourer. First, the two lovers should refresh with a good bath; this is necessary to calm down after the ordeal that wedding ceremonies are usually are.
The physical, and mental and exhaustion that usually follow marriage may affect you negatively if it is not well handled. A bath is one way to return to normalcy. This is because it is very important to be in a hassle-free mood and not to focus on sex for the night.
After bath, which I would advise that both of you have together, change into something comfortable and nice. The bride should change into something sweet, irresistible, transparent and seductive, preferably a new lacy bra and undies. She should also top these with a good perfume. The bride has to smell very good. The groom likewise should change into a good pyjamas, make use of a good perfume or after-shave and comb his hair neatly. The choice of the room should provide for enough privacy and create a romantic atmosphere. Switch off extreme bright lights, dim light is more sexy, dark lights are not sexually appealing. Dim lights usually have a calming effect on couples and help to remove anxieties and feelings of embarrassment during lovemaking.
The next thing to do is to make good body contact; the body contact should take a longer time, in order to enable the lady especially to be more tranquil and prepared for the job ahead. The first step to this is to seductively undress each other. It is needful for the newly wedded to undress in front of each other since it helps to take care of shyness. Undressing in front of each other is very important, and if done rightly it creates an unusual erotic feeling. This however should not be done in haste. As the undressing goes on, hugging and kissing should also come in gently and at intervals. After removing one piece of dress, kissing and hugging should follow before removing the next piece.
Then love-play should follow with the gentle caressing of each other’s upper body i.e. the breasts and most especially, the nipples. It should not be roughly fondled but faintly touched as a feather touches the skin. A wife should always let her husband know whenever he does something that excites her; this will encourage the woman to be more comfortable and have a high expectancy towards sex.
Love-play should continue for about 30 minutes or more to start with, a new bride needs a longer time than an older wife who had been married for many years. However, women generally take a longer time to get in the mood. One thing the couple will need to learn over time is when the wife is ready for the man to enter her. A man must be able to establish the time to stop foreplay and get down to it. And when he decides to, he must be gentle and ensure that there is a little lag before thrusting commences, as vigorous thrusting before a lady is ready may decrease her arousal. There is a possibility of the lady not reaching orgasm on the first night or at the initial stage of marriage. Couples should not stress themselves, they have more time to live together and as time goes on, they will learn how to build each other’s excitement and satisfy each other more fully.
The objective of your first few weeks of sexual encounters should be maximum feminine comfort and maximum masculine control. Do not expect too much harmony in sex for the next few weeks. It is a continuous learning process. Goodluck!
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